The Blog

Well firstly welcome!

I’m Hannah and I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2012 during my final year at University; I spent around a year hearing things, seeing things and generally acting in strange and bizarre ways before I was eventually diagnosed at a day Hospital around a year later.

Bipolar disorder is a large part of my identity but it is not what defines me. I love painting and swimming and earl grey in copious quantities. I have a mild addiction to dried mango which requires constant monitoring and I love being outdoors but am not sporty. I am very loud and opinionated which I tend to blame on coming from a large family but is probably just my nature; These are the things that define me.

Part of my ‘recovery journey’ has been accepting my illness and its negative and positive consequences. I have taken control by being active in my recovery, this means I take my medication, exercise, rarely drink and am an expert on sleep hygiene (yeah that’s a thing). That said I have tried to find a balance between living a life that keeps me alive but also a life that is worth living.

On Thursday I went to Tesco and the man at the counter ahead of me was on crutches and struggling to hold his carrier bags, he looked very stressed and I offered to carry his bags out to the car. When I put his bags in he took my hand and started crying, he told me he had severe depression and usually did his food shop online as he hated going out of the house. He’d been having an ok day so he’d decided to try and get a couple of bits from the shop but once he was there he felt really self-conscious and he knew he hadn’t washed in ages and looked like crap and had started to stress. My coming up and helping him had calmed and grounded him and he didn’t feel so trapped without the bags slowing him on his crutches. He thanked me and told me I had really helped in a moment where he had felt panicky and cursed himself for trying to come out. Continue reading ‘He thanked me and told me i had really helped in a moment where he had felt panicky and cursed himself for trying to come out the house’

Saw this on Facebook from a buzzfeed and LOVED it, it really illustrates the ‘buck up’ attitude i have all too often experienced

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When i went to Day Hospital i had the most wonderful ambulance driver who would cart me there and back everyday. He would chat away about his travels and his life and he never once judged me. Being in the middle of the countryside in a rumbly ambulance with a self proclaimed hippy was a lovely distraction first thing in the morning when i always felt my most rubbish. That small bit of chat for him meant a lot to me. As Tescos say ‘every little helps’

I have had about 4 hours sleep and I am totally exhausted. I have always been an 8-10 hours kind of girl so this whole not sleeping thing is really starting to grate. There was a magical time before the Bipolar emerged that I couldn’t stay at boyfriend’s houses because I fell asleep so early; now the reason I don’t tend to stay is I can’t guarantee sleep at all. Insomnia is usually associated with highs in Bipolar; When you’re high you’re too busy having a wonderful time, being too fabulous and being far too productive to sleep; why sleep when you can deep clean your flat at 3am? Why eat when you could be writing a novel which may actually transform the world as we know it? Continue reading Cant sleep wont sleep

So I haven’t written for ages because I’ve been too unwell. In September a series of crummy events occurred one after the other – because apparently like buses this stuff seems to come all at once. My grandad passed away, an ex got in touch, two friends became very unwell and my relationship ended. Each of these had the potential to be a trigger in itself but together became unmanageable and despite my best efforts I went downhill. Continue reading ‘One awesome thing about Eeyore is that he’s basically clinically depressed but he still gets invited to participate in adventures’

Two and a half months ago I started going low, at first my psychiatrist thought it was a reaction to life stresses, fair enough, things weren’t great, now shes thinking it’s potentially a relapse. Without sleeping tablets I don’t sleep at all, without mood stabilizers i’m a mess, a good day is getting out of the house and being around people, a bad day is a lot worse. My anxiety is making a mess of things, I cant stick to meetings or coffees with friends and i’m basically a royal pain in the bum at the moment. Continue reading How my anxiety can make me a douchey friend and how I try to make up for that with homemade cards