Happy New Year people!
And by that I of course mean ‘happy end of Janauary because I haven’t got my act together to write something yet’. As many of you know I generally hate New Years Eve because quite frankly reflecting on the year has usually been a rather depressing experience. In the past it has consisted of noting that I am still not working, I am eeking out my daily activities to fill my time (a swim can become a 3 hour experience if you really try), I am just about maintaining stability and I generally have nothing to say for myself. That is of course a very reductive approach to a human being but in a world of workers we place a lot of value on employment and frankly I was itching to work, I was just also petrified of the responsibility. Whilst I sat at home contemplating my many failings as a person my friends were out partying or socialising and generally acting like they were in their twenties. There were a few years that I attempted something like a celebration however they generally fell flat. In 2015 I had a horrible break up and decided to head to Brighton in a moment of false empowerment, I’d imagined looking out across the sea at midnight with my chin up and the wind in my hair but when it came to it I chickened out, concerned I’d be murdered under the pier I instead opted for staying in crying through the 12pm fireworks. So you see it’s generally not a great night for me.
This year however I crushed it, ok I wasn’t partying and I actually spent the first couple of hours tidying and cleaning which sounds lame but hey, you can’t shrug off an entire personality. Instead I stayed in with a friend playing a 2 person version of articulate (surprisingly it’s still fun) and noting that this year I’ve absolutely smashed it. Now my version of smashing it is most other peoples version of existing and has been now for some time but the past year I started work, got promoted, actually socialised and even managed to keep it together and not be triggered off by any of these things. Starting work has been such a huge shift for me and there were definitely points of being sleep deprived and having a little cry in the toilets or eating takeaway 3 nights a week just so I could have a nap when I got home but i did it! This was the first year I wanted to celebrate because this wasn’t just a celebration of a year without an episode but an acknowledgement of how far I’ve come.
Whilst I don’t usually set new years resolutions this year I decided that if I can work I can probably try out some loose intentions. If last year was about just getting by this year is about getting on top of things. Back when I had nothing to do with my time my flat was immaculate, I had birthday cards sent out on the dot and I’d sometimes be up at 7am doing a food shop; I exercised several times a week and went on walks most days because both of these things allowed me to get out the house. All of these things are very easy to do when you have 8 hours of time to fill but they are less easy when you are at work till 5:30, shops close at 5 and you are exhausted. It still takes me by surprise that I only have 2 days a week of actual free time and am expected to complete all my jobs and relax in these 2 days ready for another 5 days of work. That said my main resolution is to be more organised in the below areas (the others are things like stop over plucking your eyebrows)
- Friendships – One London based friend books in the next time she will see you at the end of each visit, previously I felt this was a bit much, I now think it’s pure genius. I aim to be as organised with friendships as I am with work.
- Chores – Tidying, doing washing, organising food shops, they’ve all fallen at the wayside in a bid to survive working life. Starting the week avoiding my washing basket and filling the sink with heaps of fairy liquid to disguise the mounting dishes under a sea of bubbles is not healthy. I aim to start the week semi organised at home.
- Sort the food situation – Whilst I’m getting on top of food I continue to eat a jacket potato from the canteen 3 times a week due to disorganisation, I am amazed I am not one giant potato (although I was nicknamed spud as a child so maybe it’s a self fulfilling prophecy). I aim to prepare lunches at least a few times a week in a bid to save money and avoid the inevitable transition from human to vegetable.
- Exercise – Geeze louise I’m just one mound of cellulite at this point, I accept some of this as being human but I would also like to get fitter. My ultimate fear when it comes to exercise is that I will end up in Hospital for something and the surgeon will come out of theatre shaking his head and explaining my heart was just clogged with fat. This is gross and encourages me to eat more lentils and do at least some exercise.
- To wind down more before bed and go to bed at a reasonable time. Watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend till 11pm and then not brushing my teeth is not conducive to a relaxing nights sleep so I am back on the lavender pillow spray and gratitude journalling it up.
These are all loose aims, staying well is enough of a concrete goal that I don’t feel the need to place more pressure on myself, but it’s part of a wider aim to get back to my organised little self. It’s a positive sign that I feel able to ask more of myself than simply holding it together, even it’s just the small stuff ;).