So as many of you know I write best when totally sleep deprived so… ‘hi guys!’. The past couple of weeks I haven’t slept that well but last weekend I was so tired I fell asleep on a friends sofa with a hot water bottle, blanket and a pug at about 3pm so apparently that’s my winning combination and a solid indication I need a dog sharpish.
This time of year is always a bit strange (and don’t get me started on New Years eve) because it’s an opportunity to reflect. In the past these reflections have consisted of things like ‘cool, you are alive, nice work’ or ‘hey you have been going on regular walks AND you have 3 friends’. For every ‘perk’ there has been a number of less cool observations like ‘I still don’t have a job and I want to work’ or ‘my friends have homes and jobs and boyfriends and grownup lives and I am still living like I’m fresh out of uni’. BUT ta da! This year is different, this year I have a nice flat and a grownup job, I even socialise with people on a WEEKLY basis. Whaaaat?!
Last week my mum asked how long it’s been since I started work and guys it’s literally been 1 year, that’s crazy. In that time I’ve already been promoted and am doing things like presentations and speeches and hosting big events; as a comparison 4 years ago I was hiding in bushes from Psychitarists (and also a shed), I considered stabbing my CPN (he advised me not to) and I watched Fraiser for 8 hours a day 7 days a week (excellent show but merely existing as a human being). It was about this time last year that my benefits were cut and I suddenly had 4 weeks to find a full time job and I genuinely cannot believe where I am at now.
I was recently describing to someone why it is so important I do this blog for myself and continue to look back at my experiences and it’s because I need to look back to fully appreciate where I am at now. Back when I was my most ill I would never have considered the possibility of being a functioning human being let alone enjoying functioning and yet here I am. The past month of my job has been pretty stressful but every time something feels too huge I’m like ‘dude, you used to run across the motorway dodging cars and cut yourself with broken glass from the road, you can probably handle this meeting’. Only by looking back do I have a real sense of how far I have come and what I am capable of. Last week I helped a colleague out with a presentation at the last minute and afterwards thought to myself ‘mate, there was a point, just a few years back, where you would literally have vommed all over the floor and been so anxious and sweaty and gross’ and you just totally winged that.
This evening I am hosting a party for 76 people at work and whilst I’m a bit nervous I can also see I’m totally normal level nervous, that in itself is so huge for me. This weekend we held phase 1 of our big family christmas get togethers and I looked around and felt so incredibly grateful for the amazing people I have around me that celebrate all of these mini successes with me.